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BACON! (A "Turn Noun for What" post)

4/16/2015

15 Comments

 
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Hello dear readers. Welcome to the first installment (maybe) of a series that we are calling, "Turn Noun For What?!" I received an email from Jessie from the blog jessiejanellereyna.com and she had the idea of doing this (her words below):

I'm preparing a graduate presentation that I'm going to be teaching in three months on a writing technique that I have been doing throughout my program. The idea is to organize your thoughts onto paper by using concrete nouns... 

What I'd like to do is pick a concrete noun from a hat, and we all plan to write a blog post focusing on that one particular noun. It can be funny or it can be serious, it's entirely up to you. The idea is to take the noun and start writing whatever comes to mind...

The word that was chosen was:  BACON!
Have a I mentioned before that I'm a vegetarian? Well, I am. I still cook meat for my son and husband though. I just don't care for it myself. So out of all the words that could have been chosen, this one kind of sucks for me. My original post went like this, "I don't eat bacon. The end."  Still, the word "bacon" is a better choice than the first noun that popped into my head, which was "dingleberry". I had to apologize to Jessie when I submitted it. I mean, I could have lied and submitted a different word, but "dingleberry" was truly the first thing that popped into my mind. I don't know why. We don't currently have a pet but in the past we've had dogs that have suffered from dingleberries. So yes, in the big scheme of things, bacon is probably a better choice.
When I think of bacon, I think of the items below. These are legit products that are for sale on the internet.
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While doing a search of the bacon condoms, this item showed up under the image search:
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Yes, it's a bacon bra. Truly America has a love affair with bacon. All I can think of is the giant stains that would be left on her blouse if she really wore this. But on the upside, your breasts would probably feel nicely moisturized after wearing this all day. Oh-- I just thought of this. Hey moms-- you know how when you breastfeed, your nipples get raw and cracked? (Note to men-- this is true. Sorry to ruin boobies for you). A bacon bra might be kind of soothing on your irritated nips. Maybe. It's not any weirder than lanolin (fat from sheep's wool) which is the usual treatment that is recommended.
OK, I know I'm veering off topic here, but bacon makes me think of sausage which makes me think of this item which I recently saw on the salad bar at my local Kroger grocery store:
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Bear with me as I continue my stream-of-consciousness ramblings. The dog treat "Snausages" first came out on the market in the 80's. Here's a commercial from 1984 which describes a "new" dog treat:
You know how nothing is funnier than forbidden laughter? In high school I played alto saxophone in the band. In our practice room, the trombone section was directly behind me. I remember an incident that made me nearly pee my pants and/or have a stroke from trying not to laugh. One time when we were having band practice, one of the trombone players behind me would periodically say the word "SNAUSAGES!" out loud (just like in the commercial). It wasn't loud enough for our band director to hear, but loud enough for those of us around him to hear. Our band director did not put up with ANY shit or shenanigans AT ALL. So to burst out laughing during band practice would have been a very, very bad thing. I remember being in agony every time I heard that stupid word spoken out loud. It was like slow torture. Anyway, anytime I hear the word "snausages" I remember that moment. 
This concludes my bacon (OK, pork products) themed post. Check out these other bloggers to see their take on bacon:

Fits of Wit

Angst Anarchy

Ben’s Bitter Blog

White Girls Be Like…

Jessie Janelle Reyna
15 Comments
Christopher link
4/16/2015 01:58:20 am

What is it with band leaders not putting up with any shit? It seems like a job that requires you to give up your humanity. I was never in the band but several of my friends were, and one got yelled at for going to his grandmother's funeral. Okay, technically the problem was he didn't tell them he wouldn't be at band practice that day, but you'd think they could cut a kid some slack after losing his grandmother. If someone told me they'd just lost a family member I'd think the lecture about how they should be more considerate of others could wait. My friend was so shocked he found it funny even without "Snausages!" which will make anyone laugh in any situation.

Anyway thank you for choosing bacon. I tried going vegetarian a few years ago. My mother said I'd never be able to give up pork because my grandparents are Czech. Pork actually turned out to be the easiest thing. Even now I prefer turkey bacon.

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Gina
4/16/2015 02:25:53 am

I'm not sure why band directors turn into mini-dictators. I was only in high school band so I don't have any other experience to compare it to. I didn't join college band because I didn't love playing an instrument enough to be yelled at for another four years.

We haven't tried turkey bacon in our house. I've tried buying turkey sausage a few times to see if my son would notice. That was a dumb idea on my part. I tried just a few weeks ago and after his first bite my son was like, "WHAT IS THIS STUFF?!" and refused to eat any more. I buy "fake" sausage (made from soy) that I eat but my son refuses to try it. He's been traumatized by turkey; there's no way he'll try soy.

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White Girls Be Like link
4/16/2015 03:59:39 am

"Dingleberry" is such a better word. But you just reminded me with the Snausages that I was gonna talk a bit about Beggin Strips and that commercial with the dog who just wants some bacon and keeps getting crap treats

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TpB5Bu99-k8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

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Gina
4/16/2015 05:18:58 am

It's not too late to add a postscript about the Beggin Strips. I thought of another inappropriate noun, which I may or may submit if we do this again. "Anal fissure". It's an adjective AND a noun so hopefully Jessie will let it slide. Just the word "fissure" isn't that funny.

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White Girls Be Like link
4/16/2015 06:26:48 am

Ooops, that video didn't work. But I actually wondered about the adjective + noun thing as well. Maybe I'll add more to my post later. I just realized I was the only one who didn't really do any writing and basically just posted gifs lol

JaneyDoe link
4/16/2015 04:31:06 am

Hi there Gina, I'm visiting from Bitter Ben's blog. I love your post on bacon and how you tied it into a memory from high school. We aren't vegetarian but we try to eat a bit healthier and one of our favorite turkey choices is a ground turkey with Italian seasoning already in it. The first time we made it I thought it was sausage and not turkey sausage but real, honest to goodness pork sausage. We use it all the time now for burgers and in scrambles. You might try sneaking that in some time. Thanks for the smiles today!

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gINA
4/16/2015 05:22:29 am

Thanks for the kind words and for stopping by! You're welcome any time. :) I'll have to see if I can find the turkey that you mention. Somehow my kid has turned into a gourmet food critic at age 7. He no longer wants to eat at McDonalds because he says their food isn't that good, other than their fries and breakfast sandwiches. He'd probably find some fault with the Italian turkey sausage. "This doesn't taste like REAL Italian seasoning to me Mother. What is the country of origin?" Kidding. Kind of. :)

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Jessie link
4/16/2015 04:39:10 am

Wonderful Gina! Everyone can relate to bacon whether they eat it or not. Kind of like politics, bacon is shoved in our faces, ya know??? Great post!

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Gina
4/16/2015 05:24:13 am

True-- bacon is a much beloved food, that is for sure. We can all relate to it. See my reply to Alanna above. How do you feel about "anal fissure" for our next noun post? Just kidding. Maybe. :)

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Jessie link
4/16/2015 07:34:10 am

I think my future mother-in-law will start rethinking her son's choices.

kdcol link
4/16/2015 06:32:22 am

Well I guess bacon really is EVERYWHERE. Oh wait, do they have bacon underwear too? You know, a matching bra and panties set?

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Gina
4/16/2015 06:45:01 am

I had to Google "bacon underwear" and I could not believe the number of items that are for sale. I had no idea. It's not REAL bacon underwear of course, but it's underwear for adult men and women with bacon as the pattern. Even Target got in on the action with a women's hipster 3 pack. I saw bacon thongs (this was a weird sentence to write) and bacon socks. Basically, I think you can dress yourself in bacon from head to toe if you so desire.

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Christopher
4/16/2015 07:02:39 am

That and the bacon bra had me wondering: can you get trichinosis from skin contact?

Maybe not now, but if people keep wearing bacon it's only a matter of time.

Gina
4/16/2015 07:39:16 am

OK,so I'm guessing that's a no then. :) You are so adorable, I'm guessing your MIL will love you even if you wrote an entire song entitled "Anal Fissures" and had it sung at the wedding reception.

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Gina
4/16/2015 07:41:08 am

Christopher-- regarding trichinosis, that's a great question. Cooking the bacon BEFORE wearing it will likely negate your concerns about food born pathogens crossing the skin barrier. You might want to check with your doctor just to be sure.

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    Gina

    I'm the worst kind of asshole-- I think I'm funny. 
    I delight in the absurdity of life. 

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