Fa-LaLaLa-La My Asshole Burns* (*moderately NSFW) - ENDEARINGLY WACKO

ENDEARINGLY WACKO

Fa-LaLaLa-La My Asshole Burns* (*moderately NSFW)

9/25/2015

This past week has been busy at work. We had one of our quarterly VERY IMPORTANT MEETINGS, which always wears me out. The big meeting happened to fall on my 21st wedding anniversary. Woot! So no fun celebrations for my husband and me. It was just a regular workday but with added bonus stress. We plan to make up for it on Saturday (with champagne. And maybe cake. But definitely champagne).

For whatever reason, my creative juices have not been flowing for the past week or so. Normally I feel like I have so much funny stuff that I want to share, it's like I need a ShamWow cloth to sop up all those creative juices (is that kind of an icky analogy?). In any case, lately one tiny square of toilet paper is all it would take to clean up my juices (ewww, now it definitely sounds icky. Sorry!).

So in an effort to post something funny while I'm feeling rather un-funny, I decided to share some recent text messages from my friend Ivory. If Ivory ever decides to start her own blog, I'm totally screwed because all my regular readers will leave me and read her stuff instead. Which I would totally understand. I'd read her stuff too.

First bit of nonsense is an emoji on my iPhone that confuses me:

I apologize if you'll never be able to listen to "Deck the Halls" without hearing this version in your head. It's the way I'll always hear it in the future. Just like the song "White Christmas" is ruined for me because of this alternate lyric (thanks Dad): "I'm dreaming of a white mistress". I'll stop now...

Next is a search query that showed up:

As you know (probably), my husband is Russian and he still calls his family back in Moscow every weekend:

OK, that's it kiddos. Let's give a nice round of applause for my friend Ivory for making this post happen. She's a good egg, that kid (I don't know why I'm speaking slang from 100 years ago. It was the first thing that popped into my brain. I should have said, "She's a totally kickass woman and I'm proud to know her").

@kissinaboxx

9/25/2015 01:41:43 pm

Heck yeah!! I'm awesome!!

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Gina

9/25/2015 01:43:59 pm

You know it girl! *high five*

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Christopher link

9/25/2015 02:50:14 pm

Ivory is hilarious, but you, Gina, are the one who found the assless chaps emoticon. And it is assless chaps. There's just no other way to interpret that, unless it's a tongue, or a togue, or a toque, which is what Canadian guys wear.

Oh, great, now I've got an image of a Canadian guy in a toque with assless chaps singing your version of "Deck the Halls" in my head. That's enough to make your spider scream.

To clarify I'm proposing that "That's enough to make your spider scream" be a new way of describing anything really horrifying. We'll know what it really means but to the rest of the world it'll sound kind of dirty, which is why I know it'll catch on.

And you know what the difference is between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

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Gina

9/25/2015 04:46:56 pm

Tonight when I have weird dreams involving toques, Canadians, assless chaps and spiders, I'm totally blaming you Christopher for bringing more insanity into my brain. Actually, who am I kidding. That still sounds like a typical dream for me.

And I like your way of describing something horrifying. Yes, let's definitely try to make it go viral. It will be our gift to the world.

The snowballs joke is classic. It's been a while since I heard it. Thanks for sharing. Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy the song "White Mistress" which is probably playing in your head right now.

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Margot

9/26/2015 09:13:13 am

Christopher, your comment certainly made my spider scream because I can't believe how insensitive you are. What if the poor snowman had to have a double orchiectomy?

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Gina

9/26/2015 01:29:52 pm

Yeah Christopher-- what Margot just said! (Anyone who doesn't read your blog is now thinking, "Oh my God, what bitches!").

Christopher

9/28/2015 11:28:31 am

I'm pretty sure anyone who doesn't read my blog is wondering what an orchiectomy is.
And there are prostheses. That was an option that was even offered to me about five minutes before I went into surgery. I think they'd be even more readily available for snowmen.

kdcol link

9/25/2015 04:42:03 pm

You still deliver, Gina (and Ivory, and Chris!)! This whole post (and comments) had me laughing. You know, I was just LOLLING about. Hahaha! ;-)

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Gina

9/25/2015 04:50:29 pm

Thanks Karen! Even now as soon as I think of the lyrics "Falalalala, my asshole burns" it makes me laugh. And I've probably read that line 50 times by now. It's just so freakin' hilarious. And agreed, Christopher is always funny also. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to get such awesome comments (you included). :)

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Megan

9/26/2015 04:23:51 am

Now I am dying to know the lyrics to "white mistress".

Also, whenever you write about your spider phobia the lyrics to "boris the spider" run through my head. I must have a thing for songs. Predictive text wanted me to write I have a thing for sins instead of songs...not sure what that means. My spider phobia is specific to black widows, they haunt me.

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Gina

9/26/2015 07:54:23 am

I don't know if there are any more lyrics to "White Mistress" other than "I'm dreaming... of a...White Mistress". It's the kind of thing that if you Googled it, the majority of hits would probably be porn. :/

I love it that you have a thing for "sins". Don't we all? Some of the Autocorrect or predictive words are so inappropriate I want to use them anyway. Anyway, I hope you don't live in a region where black widows are prevalent as I'm sure every tiny black thing you'd see would make you think SPIDER! Which is how you end up with a lot of dead raisins on your countertop, I would think.

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Pointless Boob link

9/26/2015 12:47:15 pm

I don't know anything about spiders yelling, but my ass sure screamed when it saw what that candy cane was doing. And I'm not talkin 'bout a scream of delight. It was like the opposite of a 13 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. More like Janet Leigh in the shower scene in Psycho.

Now my ass is clenched tighter than the mouth of a crocodile suffering from lockjaw.

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Gina

9/26/2015 01:33:23 pm

Thank you for your description of your asshole. And what a description it was! I think you should be nominated for a literary award of some kind. Also, this reminds me that last winter I made the mistake of washing my lady parts with a liquid soap that was supposed to be used when you have a cold-- it was chock full 'o menthol and mint and who knows what other essential oils. I felt like I had a literal fire crotch. I don't recommend it AT ALL.

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Gina

9/28/2015 12:25:46 pm

Christopher-- for your reply about prosthetic testicles, I had never really thought about those before. So of course I googled that phrase and it turns out like they kind of look like clear jelly eggs. And they come in different sizes. However, the image search brought up an image of a severed penis and now I feel a little bit traumatized. Just fair warning if you should do the same search yourself...

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Spoken Like A True Nut link

9/28/2015 05:49:03 pm

I wish the "all spiders yell" statement was true because then I would have advance warning of their presence before I step into the shower and then belatedly see something skittering away out of the corner of my eye.

For some reason I can only picture the insult spiders spewing out British slang. I'm now in fits of giggles imagining one angrily waving a leg at me and shouting, "Oi! You almost stepped on me, fat arse! Piss off, this is my corner."

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Gina

9/28/2015 05:57:49 pm

Bwhahaha, now that's how I'll hear it in my head also-- with the English accent. Awesome. If I really did hear a yelling spider I'd probably crap my pants but also laugh at the same time. If it happened in the shower, that would probably be OK, 'cause I'd be able to clean myself up quickly.

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Gina

I'm the worst kind of asshole-- I think I'm funny.
I delight in the absurdity of life.

Me as a middle-aged woman (current photo).

My wedding day. Alternate title: "Photo of me when I was younger, thinner and better looking".

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