Last night my Russian husband watched the Miss America pageant from last weekend which he had DVR'd. He is unbelievably proud that we now have a Russian "Miss America". It doesn't matter that Kira Kazantsev was born in the U.S.; her parents are Russian immigrants so she is Russian. I'm sure she would beg to differ. Her win only confirms his unyielding belief that Russian women are the most beautiful in the world. Actually, he may be right about that. Anyway, this reminded me of an incident from a few years ago. My husband and I were on the same plane as Heather French Henry, Miss America 2000. As we approached the runway to land, suddenly the the engines revved up and the pilot aborted the landing. I don't remember what the problem was. I just remember my heart started racing as adrenaline rushed through me. There was obviously a problem of some kind and there was nothing I could do; I was just along for the ride. I thought to myself, if this plane goes down, the big news story would be "Former Miss America Heather French Henry dies in a plane crash! Oh, and a bunch of other unattractive losers died as well." Fortunately that didn't happen. Later at the baggage claim area, I saw Mrs. Henry while she waited for her luggage. She was wearing black pants and there was a very distinctive white stain on her bottom. It looked like she had sat in a blob of yogurt or sour cream which had then dried. You know the word schadenfreude (pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others)? That's what I felt at that moment. A brief aside-- if you, or your child, or anyone you know is taking a college level literature course, be sure to use the word schadenfreude in essays or tests whenever possible. For some reason professors just love that word. It makes them beshit themselves from joy. This is the absolute truth. I just realized I'm at the end of this post and I don't really have anything else to say. I just wanted to the world to know that Miss America may be Miss America but she's just as human as the rest of us, stained pants and all. (I'm pretty sure I'm going to get nominated for a Pulitzer for this piece of writing).
I'm the worst kind of asshole-- I think I'm funny.
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