The company I work for has quarterly meetings that cause me a bit of anxiety and angst. One of the meetings is scheduled for next week. The participants are leaders from our community; respected members in their field and extremely smart people. These meetings stress me out, not because I'm a participant (I just watch from the sidelines usually), but because I am required to be "appropriate" all day long. You know how sometimes live TV shows are put on a time delay so it can be censored? That's what I have to do to myself ALL DAY LONG. Before I talk to anyone, I have to think, "Is this something that can be said in a social setting? Is this appropriate to share? Will someone reply, 'Oh Gina' like Mary Tyler Moore says 'Oh Rob' from the old Dick Van Dyke show?" It wears me out. When I'm at work, I'm used to being around people who have worked with me for years and are used to my idiosyncrasies. For example, one woman I work with is tiny and petite and adorable. Whenever I run into her I tell her, "You're so cute. I'm going to scoop you up and pack you around in my pocket today." She just laughs and says, "I'm not that little" But really she is. Someone who heard me say those words recently reminded me, "You know you sound really odd when you say things like that." I do? It seems normal to me. Anyway, back to the topic of these Important Meetings. There usually comes a point where the discussion is earnest and serious and the room is quiet while everyone listens. I get this inexplicable urge; I can imagine myself standing up and yelling, "F*ck you all motherf*ckers!". I don't know why. I imagine everyone's head swiveling to look at me and there would be shocked silence. I figure that someone kind would probably come to my rescue and lead me out of the room. I have to mention that I really like all of these people. I would not describe any of them as motherf*ckers. They're all nice people. All it would take is four words screamed at the top of my lungs and my career would be over. I know I could probably claim to have Tourette's Syndrome but people with that affliction would probably be offended. "Lady, there's a difference between our disorder and your obvious mental instability. Don't blame us."
I'm the worst kind of asshole-- I think I'm funny.
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