This post will be mostly made up of texts from the past week. Sorry in advance if that's annoying. Since most of my family and friends are spread out all over the U.S., texting is a quick and easy way to stay in touch. Plus I love sending out text blasts and seeing what kind of funny responses I'll get. So this happened yesterday:
We all gotta go sometime-- wouldn't you rather it be death by bunny than death by cancer? Regarding the coat-stuck-in-the-door incident, at no time did I think to myself, "I'll just take my coat off and then unlock the door." Hopefully I would have come to that conclusion eventually. Did I ever mention that I have a Master's Degree in Russian? I like to think that I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Moments like these make me doubt myself. What's also funny is that the part about my untimely death at the petting zoo came from my friend David. I immediately made a screenshot of his text and sent it to several people. No one was even remotely surprised by the theory that my death will probably make "News of the Weird". One person mentioned even mentioned my likely inclusion in "The Darwin Awards". I should probably be offended, but I can't even muster up any indignation when I know that they are all right.
These next couple of texts are from Wednesday. My son is in first grade and rides the school bus every day. My suspicion is that at least half of my son's education (not necessarily the best half) comes from things he's learned from older kids on the bus.
I didn't think to ask my son if the vote was done by simple majority or secret ballot or what. It amuses me that this was a topic that needed to be voted on in the first place. I have no idea if it's a victory or insult to win the "Worst Farter" title.
I can't believe I can transition to another story on farts, but in a bit of synchronicity, a family member sent me this text within the past hour:
I know that this book will be mine in name only. The minute it arrives and my son sees and hears it, he will take sole possession. And he'll probably want to take it on the bus with him. And I''ll probably let him. Why not? He's smart enough to know that he can't take it out of his backpack once he gets to school or else risk losing it forever. Plus, with this book, he'll be the most popular kid on the bus.
Speaking of books, I sent this text after I got home this evening:
It was hard to think of a good post title just now. So many topics were covered: death, goats and bunnies, farts and more farts and history books. Sometimes writing the title is the hardest part. With the things I write about, it's easy to see why...
I'm the worst kind of asshole-- I think I'm funny.
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