This morning as I was leaving for work I noticed the house across the street and how nicely decorated it is for Halloween. Up until a few months ago this house was the eyesore of the neighborhood. It had fallen into foreclosure and desperately needed some TLC. I was glad when a nice gay couple bought the house. They completely renovated it and redid the landscaping. Now it's probably the nicest house on the block (bitches). When this couple moved in, I introduced myself to one of the guys, Rob. I didn't get to meet his partner. Sometime after that we had problems with our home internet service and I had to re-install our wi-fi. You know how you can see the names of your neighbor's wi-fi when all the available networks are listed? That's when I noticed that the guys across the street had wi-fi named "RobandBob". I realized that both guys must be named Robert. Then I thought how awkward it must be to call out your own name when you are being, uh, intimate with your partner. Honestly, that would be a deal-killer for me. Talk about taking you out of the moment. I would immediately be like, "Gah! I just said my own name. That's so weird. And un-sexy." Thankfully I don't have that problem. But on the topic of being taken out of the moment, things get interesting once you have a kid. Did I say interesting? Sad and pathetic and doing-whatever-it-takes is a better description. I think every parent quickly finds out that post-baby you will experience intimacy in the most unromantic ways and places. You will learn to grab the opportunity whenever you can, like when your son takes a nap in your bed. Which is how you find yourself in your kid's twin bed, doing it on barnyard animal sheets while Spiderman watches you. You may think I"m exaggerating but I'm not:
This reminds me of one of my favorite Louis CK comedy bits. I've loaded the clip below. If you have six minutes to spare and you want to laugh until tears roll down your face, watch this. Not safe for work, BTW.
Lastly for one unrelated thing-- yesterday in the breakroom at work I ran into my favorite petite co-worker. I've mentioned her in a previous post. She is adorable and tiny and I just want to scoop her up and carry her around in my pocket all day. I tell her this frequently. Yesterday I noticed that she and I have the exact same phone case. I told her, "Don't ever sit next to me at a meeting, OK? I don't want to accidentally end up with your phone. I don't really want to see your husband's dick pics." After I said that there was complete silence for like three seconds. I wondered-- did she not hear what I said? I think it took her brain longer than usual to process my words, since they were so unexpected. Thankfully she finally burst out laughing. However she told me, "That's it. I'm not going to let you carry me around in your pocket anymore." I ran after her saying, "I'm sorry! I take it back! Please reconsider!". I should probably mention that I've worked with this woman for 18 years so she knows me pretty well and seemingly still likes me. As you can tell, working with me is a great privilege conveyed to a few lucky souls. Try to contain your jealousy.
I'm the worst kind of asshole-- I think I'm funny.
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